Anyway, yesterday I checked online and discovered that I had been rejected. By every school. All of them.

And now, I guess my question is…what do I do with my life? Because I had staked everything on getting into these schools, basically defined myself in high school by the idea that the work would pay off. And it’s not like I haven’t gotten in anywhere; I got accepted to two [non-Ivy-league schools]. But it feels like a whole chunk of my life has been for naught, because I devoted myself to [this idea about my future], and obviously it wasn’t enough.

I’m sorry. I don’t even know entirely what motivated me to write this email. I just…it’s difficult. And now I don’t know what to do. So I guess I’m asking for advice. 

Because when all of your plans and goals are gone, what’s left? Not much.

Sincerely,

Anonymous

A. Like the question that I answered last week, this question is much bigger than a question of college admissions. And first things first: by saying that this question is more universal than it seems, I am not saying that you are overreacting, or that this is not a major disappointment. It is, and I’m not going to discount how you feel. Is getting into the college of your dreams about “merit”? Hard work? Being “smart”? Sure. But it’s also about luck. Because that’s how life goes, and this is just one of many times that you will be faced with a situation like this.

And let me tell you: you are going to be OK now, and you are also going to be OK later, when it happens again.

I’ll explain what I mean by this, but first, let’s talk getting-into-college pressure. For reasons that make sense and for reasons that don’t, in certain communities (including the one I grew up in) an enormous – and, in my opinion, a frustratingly and sometimes damagingly enormous – amount of pressure to get into Ivy League (or comparably “fancy”) schools is placed on children who are far too young to be subjected to that level of pressure. Some people think all this pressure is good and helps kids push themselves harder; others think it’s unfair and wrong to make children as young as five worry about whether they’re going to get into a “good” school.

When I was in first grade (first grade!) I remember announcing that I was going to Yale, and I worked so hard in middle and high school with that goal in mind that even now I think back on the amount of work I put in and can’t even wrap my head around it…and then ten years after my first-grade declaration, when I got the rejection letter from my early application to Yale, I was distraught in a way that I had been distraught about few things up until that point in my life.

Not because there are no other schools, not because the school I had picked was the be-all-end-all…just because I had put everything that I had into this very specific goal for years and years, and, in my mind, I had failed. All those years of work had been for nothing.

I was wrong.

And I wasn’t wrong because I later got into a “fancy” school; I was wrong because it wasn’t that fancy school that taught me how to be creative, or how to work hard, or how to feel fulfilled in my career; it was the time I spent writing and learning and pushing my boundaries as a kid, and then in high school, and then in college and far beyond that taught me those things. One dream didn’t come true; another did. I’ve experienced crushing disappointments, and been given opportunities that I never thought possible. I know that both of these things still lie ahead, because the possibilities of what the future can bring are much wider than any one school, or job, or place to live or thing to be or decision to make. They’re infinite, and just like not a single one of these twists of fate is a magic pill that will make everything perfect, none of them are the bullet that will take you down.

What it comes down to is you, and whether you take advantage of the opportunities that you are given (whatever those may be), keep on trying things, and keep on following through.

Look, lots of people give up. They experience a major blow, and they say to themselves, “Well, that’s it: nothing I did made any difference, so just forget it. It’s not worth trying that hard only to have things not work out the way I wanted them to.”

Those people are missing out.

I wrote in this post (which I think you might want to read, by the way) that one of the big secrets in life is that everyone talks and talks about all the things they’re going to do, and very few people actually do them. You are not a talker; you are a doer. But the other big secret is that people often stop doing when they get frustrated, or angry, or scared, and very few keep pushing on past the disappointments…which, by the way, aren’t just “maybe” going to happen. They are going to happen. This is a fact, and it’s a fact for everyone.

It’s the ones who keep on trying, and keep on doing, and keep on working who go on to blow everyone away.

An Ivy League education is nice. It is; I learned a lot at Harvard, and it was a cool place to go to school. It was also something that happened ten years ago, and it doesn’t have a whole lot to do with what I’m up to these days. I credit my college with exposing me to new ideas, with helping me to form friendships that mattered both to my heart and to my mind, and with teaching me not to compromise when it came to picturing the possibilities that my future could hold. Those are wonderful things, and they’re also things that I am confident that you – a person who seems so passionate about creating a life and a future that you love and can be proud of – will find at any school that is lucky enough to have you. I mean that.

Our colleges do not create our futures; we create them. And it is because you care so much that I am so completely certain that you have it in you to move past this in a way that isn’t just “getting over it”, but is powerful and shows you that you may not be able to control everything, but the one thing you can control is the strength with which you confront challenges.

You are a hard worker, and you may wish that luck had turned your way at this particular moment in time, but when it comes down to it…luck? You don’t need it.

What you do need is something that you’ve already proven to yourself that you have. And your ability to work hard – to want and hope for and dream of great things, and to keep on moving in the direction of your goals no matter what – is an achievement greater than any words you’ll find on any piece of paper. You deserve to be congratulated both for what you’ve done up until this point, and for where you’re headed. And I’m not saying that to pat you on the back; I’m saying that because it’s obvious, and because it’s true, and because you’re not just going to be OK…you’re going to be great.

Go be great, wherever you go.

We’ve lost touch and he’s only gotten more successful. He has children now, and I am a relatively new mother. Mutual friends keep me informed of the goings-on but it only takes the laziest of Google searches to see that he’s still traveling the world and making music.

I’m happily married and living in a quiet, midsized city now. Lately, simply thinking “what if” has now snowballed into thinking of him somehow every day – a lot of which is prompted by just turning on the tv or going on the Internet. I feel a great deal of guilt sometimes. Luckily I am with an incredibly confident and secure man, but I do feel like this burgeoning obsession could eventually be not great for us.

For what it’s worth, I would never be with this man again. I know we were not meant to be. But I feel like I need closure; some sort of real conversation to move on.

I feel like you could possibly relate – what with your relationship with Rob McElhenney and the fact that you are in a happy relationship now. We wouldn’t be where we are were it not for our past, right?

Anonymous*

A. I think this is a really interesting question, and the reason that I wanted to address it here is that while it may seem like a very specific situation, having dated a person whose life events continue to be something that you’re aware of because they’re a public figure…it’s actually a problem that I think comes up for almost everyone at one time or another. Everyone has people from their past – exes or coworkers or friends – with whom they could have made different decisions, and it’s always possible that those decisions could have significantly impacted their life in one way or another. And everyone, from time to time, wonders “what if?”

Nowadays it’s not just the memories that leave you wondering: thanks to the Internet, these people from your past often end up right there in your line of vision, making it difficult not to dwell – especially if things don’t feel like they’re going perfectly for you at the moment. The problem, of course, is the one you pointed out: that it’s easy to construct a fantasy version of events, and easier still to get bogged down in bitterness, anger, or jealousy when you see these people rising to become stars in their fields, or going on glamorous vacations with their seemingly flawless families, or even just existing in a world that no longer includes you.

The question: how it possible to ever truly move on from your past when it feels like it’s always right there in front of you?

Facebook and Google have given us handy-dandy ways to check in on – and yeah, sometimes even obsess over – everyone from ex-boyfriends to frenemies to that girl who beat you out for that job you really wanted. But – and this is a big “but” – it’s important to remember that 99% of the time what you’re seeing is anextremely sanitized version of reality that has been presented for public consumption. And that’s not slighting anyone, not at all; it’s just the nature of social media: most people put up photos or status updates that speak to the things that they’re proud of or excited about. And so when you decide to check out what’s going on with someone who used to be in your life and isn’t anymore it’s very easy to slide into a pit of wondering what could have been…if only because man, what they’re up to looks so great.

Sure, your situation is arguably more extreme, and I get why it can feel overwhelming: you see your ex on a show, or accepting an award, or generally being fabulously wealthy and world traveler-y…and even though, as you say, you know you could never be with this man for your own reasons, it hurts. He has a lot of things that are very easy to romanticize, and very easy to want…and of course it’s difficult, feeling that you played a part in his success and aren’t reaping the rewards that are now coming his way.

I understand entirely where the negative feelings come from: in the months following my exit from Rob’s show, I was fired by my management team, downsized from my agency, and forced to completely reconsider what I was doing with my life while simultaneously watching my friends – friends whom I had worked with for years, whom I had loved and trusted – going on to do awesome things, career-wise.

Not fun.

But it would have been the same thing if, say, I had lost my job at a magazine and then watched a former coworker rise to become editor-in-chief. Forget the whole “money and fame” thing: when you want something that someone else gets, it can feel unfair. It can hurt. While of course we all want to be happy when others experience success, sometimes – like when the success involves something you feel that you want and need and deserve - that can feel almost impossible.

But.

If there is one thing that my experience taught me, it is this: dwelling on the past and wondering how things could have turned out if only you had done something differently is a toxic way to live. Trust me, because I was there: I lived in bitterness for years, and it did nothing but make me sick in my body, in my mind, and in my soul. And what I learned at the end of it all was that living in the what-if does does nothing – nothing – positive for you, or for those around you. Hard as it may be to get past these feelings of jealousy and anger and sadness…it’s worth the work.

I spent a long time feeling angry that I had contributed to someone else’s success and hadn’t been “rewarded” for it…but I was not responsible for my friends’ successes; they were. They were not responsible for my happiness; I was. That was a difficult thing to come to terms with, but it was also one of the most valuable lessons I’ve ever learned.

I talk about this particular episode in my past on RG from time to time because the lessons that I learned during that period in my life were valuable ones, and because I know that things like career struggles and major breakups can be heartbreaking and make you feel completely at sea, and I want to offer advice and encouragement to whatever extent I can…but I can promise you that there is a time when you will feel that what’s done is done, and be glad for it. My own “what ifs” went away long ago, in large part because I made a conscious and active decision to learn from, accept, and then move on from what could have been, and that decision gave me the ability to focus on the present and reexamine what I truly wanted. And I mean it when I say that there is nowhere – nowhere - I would rather be than exactly where I am.

So let’s talk concrete advice, because it’s not always as easy as “focus on the present”. My honest opinion is that you should not be listening to your ex’s music, or seeking out his videos, or searching for him on Google. You should not be making him a part of your day-to-day life…because he no longer is, and that’s just the truth. As fun as it is to gossip about famous people – hey, I subscribe to US Weekly - in your life, he’s not a famous person: he’s your ex-boyfriend, and just because a photo is on the cover of a magazine doesn’t make it “funny” instead of “painful”. You need to ask your friends to please stop updating you about your ex’s activities, the same way that you wouldn’t announce to them that you saw their ex on Facebook and his new girlfriend is just gorgeous.

And while I completely understand the desire for a conversation that will give you “closure”…I have to tell you that I don’t believe that this is the solution. Think about what it is that you’re hoping to hear him say (that you contributed to his success? that you are the love of his life? that he’s miserable?), and then be honest with yourself about the chances that those words are what you’re going to hear.

This is not about him, and nothing that can come out of his mouth will be a magic pill that makes everything different: you are the one who needs to say whatever those words are that you need to hear to yourself. If what you need to hear is that you were important to him and that you contributed to what he has achieved, say that to yourself. Know that. And then move on.

I read a review in People the other day about some “how to be happy” book or another, and what stuck with me was a quote from the author when she was asked whether money made you happy. And her answer – in essence – was that you need a certain amount of money to not be unhappy (in other words, enough money to feed yourself and your family, put a roof over your head, etc), but that beyond that point human beings very quickly adjust to their circumstances, after which their happiness levels return to their original baseline level. All those things that you see your ex having and doing and experiencing are lovely, I’m sure, but they are in no way superior to what you have: a family who loves you, a home, and a life. I mean that.

Moving on from the past and focusing on your present and your future isn’t just a good thing…it’s a necessary thing. And I promise you that you can do it, but the answer doesn’t lie with a phone call or a conversation or one last Google search that turns up something that reveals that your ex’s life isn’t picture-perfect: the answer is with you, and your recognition that there’s no better place to spend your time than right here, right now.

*Question edited and reprinted with reader permission.